Chapter 9 -The Gift of Devine Singleness in the Church

Kelly Ann Marino

Hey there, and welcome back to the Family Church Residency channel on Marriage and Family. I’m Kelly Ann Marino—and today I am here with long-time friend, Eric Marquette. We are going to be looking at Chapter 9 of Andreas Kostenberger's book. We will be diving into a topic that honestly doesn’t get the air time it deserves: singleness in the church. This is fresh ground for us. Last episode, we really got into family ethics—sanctity of life, parenting, discipline, all that. Today, we’re talking about a different facet of family: the people who, for one reason or another, aren’t married.You know, in most Western churches, marriage sort of gets put up on a pedestal. I don’t think anyone means harm, but it’s almost like, if you’re over maybe 25 and not married, someone’s constantly trying to set you up or dropping little, “You’ll find someone soon!” hints. It feels like singleness is seen as either just waiting around or something went wrong. That’s not just my take—the stats back it up. A huge portion of our adult population is single, but the way we structure ministries or even do casual conversation after church, you’d think everyone’s paired off.

Eric Marquette

Yeah, Kelly, you’re totally right. I mean, it’s this idea that marriage is the universal norm, so if someone’s not married, everybody, yeah—it’s like a switch flips: “Oh, what’s wrong?” Or, “Let’s get you set up!” And I think a lot of church folks, like, sincerely believe they’re being helpful. But the underlying message is that single people are incomplete, like they’re missing out on the ‘main event’ of life. That’s, uh, pretty odd, especially if you just remember, y’know, Jesus himself was single. That should be a clue, right?

Kelly Ann Marino

Absolutely. And I’ll just add something from my own experience here. I write a lot of handwritten letters—old-fashioned, I know, but it’s my way of building real connections, especially for single folks in our church who feel, I dunno, like the ‘extras’ in the story. And I’ve found over and over, these meaningful friendships we form—non-romantic, just honest sharing life, praying for each other—they’re no less valuable in the eyes of God. Sometimes, they’re even more deeply transformative because they’re based on genuine choice, not social expectation or family planning.So, look, let’s dig in. What does the Bible really say about all this?

Eric Marquette

So, historically, if you go back to the Old Testament, being single? That was super rare, almost always considered a negative. I mean, the exception was widows, eunuchs, people who had some divine call—Jeremiah comes to mind, right?—or folks with serious hardships. But the main idea was, “Hey, you gotta get married, you gotta have kids,” because covenant blessings were so tied to family and descendants. That’s kind of wild compared to today, isn’t it?

Kelly Ann Marino

Totally. There’s this whole structure in the Old Testament where being single wasn’t just odd, it was almost a reproach. Widows were vulnerable. Eunuchs, they weren’t even allowed in temple worship, if you look at Deuteronomy. Divorce was always risky for women—just no safety net. It’s like, the entire social fabric wrapped around marriage and having kids.But what’s fascinating is when you turn that page to the New Testament. Jesus, Paul—they really shift the conversation. Singleness isn’t just tolerated, it’s presented almost as this unique advantage for serving God. Paul says, “I wish all were as I am”—meaning unmarried!—but then immediately says, “But each has their own gift.” It’s not forced, but definitely affirmed as a calling.

Eric Marquette

And it’s more than, “Well, just tough it out till you can settle down.” Jesus actually goes, “Some are called to it for the sake of the Kingdom.” Paul echoes that. There’s this thread through their teaching: if you’re single, you can focus your energy on serving God, undistracted by, well, all the logistics and worries that come with a family. And even Revelation gets in there, talking about the 144,000 as virgins—metaphorical, maybe, but it’s still a new kind of affirmation. I think that balance is so important: both marriage and singleness are honored. Neither has a ‘better’ medal.

Kelly Ann Marino

Right, and I think honestly, most churches still haven’t caught up with that New Testament shift. There’s this strong push that, unless you’ve got that rare ‘celibacy gift,’ you should be working your way toward marriage. Sometimes we forget that choosing singleness, or simply finding yourself there for a season, can absolutely be God’s plan. And—side note, I heard Paul Sheffield talk once about how, after his divorce, organizing events at church became a way to build a new, chosen family. People need to be recognized for the community they build beyond traditional structures.

Kelly Ann Marino

So, picking up there—how do we actually live out singleness as a calling, not just a condition we’re stuck with? Jesus’ words in Matthew 19, and Paul in 1 Corinthians 7, are clear: both marriage and singleness are honorable. Not everyone’s called to singleness, and not everyone’s called to marriage. It’s deeply personal—and it’s not a hierarchy. There’s this freedom to choose what fits your life and your faith journey.

Eric Marquette

And Paul’s instructions are practical. If you’ve got the gift—and you’re content—lean into it. If not, it’s perfectly legit to seek marriage. But let’s not forget the obvious: sexual abstinence outside marriage is the biblical expectation, which, yeah, goes against everything our culture’s shouting. Churches need to talk about supporting singles with real honesty, not just platitudes. Like, how do we help single parents, or widows, or folks who are recently divorced, really integrate into the fabric of church life? Not pretending their needs are identical to married folks, but also not treating them as ‘other’.

Kelly Ann Marino

Exactly. There’s this call to contentment, right? Not a forced cheerfulness, but that sense of sufficiency in Christ. Paul talks a lot about finding “great gain in godliness with contentment.” If we make singleness feel like second best, what does that actually say about our view of God’s sufficiency? And Eric, you’ve spent a lot of your career among creative singles—how do you see their freedom, like, play out in ministry?

Eric Marquette

Oh, absolutely. I’ve seen folks who have the flexibility in their schedules and their focus—they volunteer, they mentor, they start stuff no one else has capacity for. I mean, it’s not about being ‘super holy’ just because you’re single, but sometimes God just uses that availability to meet unique needs in the community. Frankly, I think churches miss out when they assume all ministry should be family-centric. Everyone’s got a calling—let’s help folks figure it out, instead of pushing a one-size-fits-all plan. Actually, Amy—one of our listeners—asked, how can churches encourage singles to explore their callings without feeling like marriage is always the finish line? That’s the real question, right?

Kelly Ann Marino

Totally. Churches need to ask not ‘How soon will you get married?’ but ‘What gifts are you bringing here and now?’ Let’s turn the conversation to how churches can build community for singles, so no one feels invisible.

Eric Marquette

One of the things that comes up constantly is how often singles feel they’re stuck at the margins—either being grouped in generic classes or, worse, left out altogether. A big step? Build real small group ministries designed for singles—not just “singles events” that are thinly veiled matchmaking sessions, but real community. Spaces where spiritual growth actually happens, not just social catch-up.

Kelly Ann Marino

And train church leaders, too, right? Like, knowing what it’s actually like to be single, so that sermons and worship aren’t constantly reinforcing that marriage is the standard. There are so many kinds of life stories in the room. The more church leaders know and understand, the more inclusive every aspect of worship, service, and learning becomes. Leadership needs to be more than just married role models.

Eric Marquette

Exactly. Encourage singles to step up as leaders, and mentors. Not just to other singles, but for the whole church. When singles have their gifts and insights shaping the culture—not as a niche add-on, but in the middle of everything—it completely changes the tone. And, honestly, it’s about building depth: knowing each other, sharing needs, praying together, and really seeing whose friendships are carrying the work of the Kingdom forward.

Kelly Ann Marino

That’s true. Real belonging comes from knowing your presence matters, your input shapes the group. And when the church depends on singles’ gifts, it counteracts any message that their lives are on hold. But there’s more to do—let’s talk about how to support singles in practical, ongoing ways.

Kelly Ann Marino

Alright, so how does all this actually look, day to day? Churches need to create specific pastoral care—counseling, mentorship, spiritual direction—for singles. Not lumping everyone together, but really listening to, for example, what a single parent needs versus someone navigating widowhood, or a young adult who’s never married. That includes helping with emotional struggles and spiritual questions that might be different from, say, someone in a long-term marriage.

Eric Marquette

Yeah, and offering workshops—practical stuff, like managing finances solo, or building strong friendships, or maintaining healthy boundaries. And not treating those things as “extra” but as core discipleship topics. Education and equipping shouldn’t just be for couples or parents.

Kelly Ann Marino

And maybe even more important—celebrate singleness from the front. Share stories, name singles’ contributions, make space for testimonies that challenge that old equation: only families or married couples ‘count’ in ministry. A church culture that can actually say, “Hey, this life stage is valued by God,” is a church where everyone thrives. It’s not just about what you don’t have, but about what your presence and gifts mean to the body.So, that’s a lot to sit with. We’re definitely not wrapping up this conversation forever—there’s so many places we’ll go from here. But for now, Eric, thanks for sharing your insight and being honest about what churches get right and wrong.

Eric Marquette

I appreciate it, Kelly. And thanks to everyone who’s sent in questions or stories. Keep ‘em coming—we want to keep building this community together. Until next time, Kelly—

Kelly Ann Marino

See you next time, Eric. And to everyone listening—remember, your place in God’s family matters. Bye for now.